Happily my Oregon Health Plan (affordable care act) has at last been worked out. This means I can see a doctor or counselor again, which really is a relief even though I'm pretty healthy and it didn't come to mind each day. Right now although I have some medical stuff to take care of, I've really got to go see an endocrinologist, I feel I need to see a counselor the most. My anxiety is pretty bad and with the anxiety and sadness with feeling lonely, well it hurts. It's like having an injury that flares up every few days or so.

Tonight I had a look at counselors in the area and found the counselor I went to see when I was 17. She was really nice and really shed some light on and worked with me on my phobia. In the past 12 years I've thought of her now and then and what she helped me with and wondered how she was doing. Part of me feels comforted by the knowledge that she had me figured out really well back then, and my personality is the same, the difference being I have many more experiences now lol. That's the other part, I feel rather overwhelmed by the idea of trying to catch her up with the last 12 years of my life. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but it's like a little life within a life. I mean I could do it, it's not that big lol, it just feels really big.

Regardless if I go to see Rose or not, I think it's definitely a good idea to see someone. I'm just bursting to get some of this out of me. I mean venting a little on plurk helps a lot when the pressure gets to be too much, but I need help sorting through this stuff... It's like all the boxes of in Goddamn garage I need to go through, except it's questions and feelings and probably some general bullshit. I'm not questioning who I am. I feel like my personality is squared away well, but I am questioning *everything* else.

Wow! It's a new year, boy that did seem to go fast! I'm kind'a glad it did though, it was a pretty hard year especially in the Grandparent department and the stress with university department. I hope this year will be more gentle. I have this overall feeling of self reflection. It feels like I want to undergo a big change in path in my life, but I'm not ready to do it yet because I have to get through this part of my schooling. It a strange way to feel. Song like <i>The End</i> and <i>Closer</i> by the Kings of Leon have been the best way I could describe the feeling. It's a strong feeling but also not judge mental angry, its wistful and maybe mellow/a bit sad happiness?

I do feel  good about Never a Legend, the manuscript is coming along slowly but it's coming along faster than it is has in years. I'm still very unsure about  my writing, my inner critic saying that it's terrible and no one else will want to read it. On the other hand I think I might be (crosses fingers and hopes to not jinks herself) to the point where I have my own writing voice. That's super exciting, but I'm not entirely sure its the case yet, here's hoping! I'm nearly done with chapter two's rewrite. I'Il give one and two to Tyson first. I'd like to give him one two and three together, but I'm worried about how one and two sound so I can't wait. Right now I hope the beginning isn't so sad the readers will dump the story. Conversely Robert's journey starts on a hard low and it's his arc to built it back up. I made a New Years resolution to schedule a time to work on NAL once maybe twice a week and to stick to it! This is the year I want to finally get a draft of the manuscript! My college schedule is a little more flexible this term. I have my classes on Tuesday and Thursday with a PE class on M&W to make sure I come in to get course work done. I'm planning to at least make a time on Friday to write, possibly one other time in the week if coursework allows.

I'm looking forward to the new term, but at the same time I'm a bit gun-shy after this past term. Social Theory was a difficult class and professor Crowfoot not agree with the way I write I tested poorly and worked quite the shitstorm of anxiety. This combined with not getting my meds at the very end of term caused an incomplete *face palm*. I've been working on the incomplete at my own pace this Christmas break, of course it's not finished yet *ugh self*. I just need to get over than brick wall about anxiety of writing for this course! I will go get something to eat here shortly and see if that helps. History Seminar 405 was really interesting and I learned a lot about Steppe Nomads. Having professor Walton is really great too she's so knowledgeable. It's also great to feel like I'm getting done with my history requirements and progressing in the degree. I also really like writing the bibliographic essay I will definitely use it as a tool in research in the future.  However it was also pretty painful. We had about 200 pages worth of reading per-week considering its a senior level class that isn't that bad, but with my learning disability and ocd I can't read quickly and I was so afraid all term that I would fail the course. For this class there was a happy ending, I think professor Walton appreciated my  effort and discussion in class. I hope she liked my essay I may find out soon since I'm taking part two of the course this term.

I think I'm going to have to do a part two to this post to talk about the courses for this coming term and other future school developments. I think I'm going to grab some food stuffs now, I'm--so--hungry!  

 Last entry I talked about the Rec Center, a lot-- I'm impressed by it, on the other hand I should talk about uni and actual classes. This term I'm taking Language and Society, linguistics 223. It's a core requirement for an Anthropology degree, sort of the closest thing PSU has for a Linguistic Anthropology class.  It's a pretty nice easy going class so far, three small writing assignments of language aspects and a presentation about a myth on language. My group's myth is "Do women talk to much?" The short answer according to the reading I've done so far is no. In fact men do most of the talking especially in public. This has to do with gender and society  roles, I won't go on about  in length, that's what the presentation and more research is for, but there it is. I got some books from the library yesterday, here's hoping I can dig into them soon. The presentation isn't due until the eighth of May or sixth (will check) but I like to have the jump on things. It's a pretty interesting class, however I feel a little lost when Mr. Childs talks about the jargon, because I've never had a linguistics course. I also wish we weren't focused on English so much. I was hoping we would talk about aspects of language, and then Childs would give us examples in languages where it occurs. Yet most of our examination has been on dialects of English, which is good to learn about, but I confess... a little boring. Well I have to go history 300 is in a couple of minutes. Wow! I guess I'm going to need a part three to talk about my history 300 class! That's okay though, my little live journal needs more attention anyway. *Gives it a big cuddle*

Hayley ^_^

 Just a quick post in between studying. This has been a busy full term, but I feel accomplished. All finished with African History as of yesterday, I think the final went well, I felt confident with my answers at the time, but it's hard to tell for certain. I'm more nervous about the Anthropology of Food class. The subject matter is so expensive even when it's broken down into sections. Also we mainly just discussed our readings, without a discussion of the larger components around what we read. I just don't think it left me with any security in what I picked up. I guess I should have put this in the class feedback, but you only have five minutes to wrap up three months of an experience in those damn things. I also have world history to study for, I think I'm going to switch as soon as I can... Just so much I looked at the readings for all the finals, and I was like, damn what have I been doing? Then I remember that for the past three weeks I've had a paper each week and each one takes me a week *facepalm*. Sometimes I really worry that my love of a subject, and my actual ability to do said subject will make me incapable of doing it.

Spring Break is coming up, I really don't know how I feel about the week holiday at all. I think it's supposed to enable to students to see parents and friends they haven't seen since Winter Break, but it doesn't work. It's too short to really make that possible. I only have two no-home-work-weekends then its back to uni. I don't know how I can spend time with my boyfriend, parents, and friends in that time.

I wish I could not feel like a major jerk in regards to Jason. Even mum gives me a hard time that I don't see him enough. I don't really know how to see him anymore. We were never lovers, or anything like that, but we hung out all the time chatting, going to movies, talking about our stories. Now that he's married I don't feel like I can just go out and hang out with him. I don't mean it in anyway other than a friend way, but now he and Kim to everything together, and I don't think he'd want to go out without her. I suppose that's the way it's supposed to be, but I don't know. I understand that there are boundaries to being married, but I have no interest in Jason romantically, just as his friend I really enjoy his company. Molly says the best thing to do would be to talk to him about it. I don't know how I'd do that, because I only see him with Kim, and I'd rather talk to him privately and talk to Kim another time. I guess I could talk to them at the same time. I don't know, I just wish it wasn't awkward between us. It feels like there's something hanging around us. I think I broke his heart, me! Jesus I'm nobody! but I didn't want to. I wish I could have given him want he wanted, but I couldn't and I knew I shouldn't try. I knew it would hurt both of us. I've never grieved anything in this way and this long, it's my biggest regret and yet I had to do it. I wish he knew  how much I cared about him and how much I enjoyed him in my life. Because now I'm just worried he sees me as the person who said no and didn't really care about him. That might not be the case at all, but there something and I hope it's not resentment. It was a good time in my life, but sometimes I'm afraid I did more harm than good in being his friend. ); 

 I've been thinking about putting up a big world map, and putting pins into places I would like to go and practice archaeology in. Just as a I'm half way through my fifth year of college pick-me-up. I hope it's not putting the cart before the horse, but digging is my big goal, or artifact conservation. Also if I have it up for both years at PSU, or maybe more *shudder*, then I can see how it might change and grow. I hope Molly and Tyson won't mind since it is their den, as well as my room. I'll make sure that where I put it will work okay. It's back to school on Tuesday. I still want to be cautious, but I think I'm starting to feel better about this term. ^^;  ^_^ 

Okay here we go again round two of round two at PSU. After the whole struggle and success with fall term I'm not sure how to feel going into this term. On one hand I love the subject matter I will be studying, Anthropology of food, African history before 1800 ce, and world history 105. However I know that if things begin to spiral my joy with the subject can be ruined by my dred of terrible grades and failure. It's hard to know what sort of outlook to have. I failed my Anthro human variation course, but that appears to be due largely to running out of time, especially on the exams. Painfully I knew the answers, it's just with ten short answer questions, and five essays, with the extra half an hour the DRC was able to give me, an hour and a half still wasn't enough. I must admit it has totally shaken and or deflated my cofidence in taking exams at the university level.

Over the Christmas break I updated my paperwork for the DRC, which is why they couldn't give me double time for tests. However even with that I'm not certain I could finish in time, but it would be better than half an hour. Unfortunately, the phychritrist who tested me said it can take two weeks to process the testing, and the lady at the DRC said it could take two weeks on their end. That could be as much as a month total, which is enough time to fail an exam or more due to lack of accomadation. Hopefully it will be easier for the DRC to sort out the paper work. Either way I guess I shouldn't worry about it, it's out of my hands now. The only thing is... I could loose more time and effort and grades to a messed up situation that just makes me feel like shit, and makes me look really bad. If the DRC makes things difficult by not accomadating me (for the third time) I will seriously question my future, perhaps change it entirely, especially here at PSU. I really really hope it doesn't come that. I want to manage this, I want to work hard, but feel like I can do this, I want the confidence I had in my last couple years at PCC, I want to get my degrees before I get too old to do the other important  things I want to do with my life (marry have children). All laid out like this, it does seem like a lot to ask , but I will work hard I will put everything I have into this. I just need a little asistance.

Today is my first day of classes. I have World History 10:15-11:20 and Anthro of Food 3:00-4:00 they sound terrific. I'm just going to try and chill out enjoy it and feel excited about what I'm doing. I haven't even seen the sylaby yet, sometimes I worry about things that turn out to be better than I thought. Hopefully this will be the case. I must be Cautiously optimistic! Love to everyone!

Hayley ^_^

 I'm back at PSU as a student, after five years! I guess I'm still young enough for five years to feel like quite some time, because it really does. That said, it was a very busy and filled with learning, five years. In that time I had my first job, traveled to England to participate in a historical re-enactment, and earned my associates in science. Now I'm back, and I feel like I've come full circle and I feel really good about it, a lot stronger and more confident. I needed PCC, and now I need PSU and my Bachelors in Anthro and History are in my reach, something I've always wanted! During this Summer I felt nervousness about coming back after the sadness in 2005, but now I just feel stoked up like a fire and ready to eat this up *rawr!*

This is my second week of term, and as of now everything is going smoothly, oh thank goodness. I'm so happy to be able to take courses in subjects I love, and that I hope will be a part of my future. It's such a relief and nice to have the pre-requirements and gen. ed. out of the way. It feels much less like jumping through hoops and more like an enrichment. My classes this term are East Asian history to 1800, and Anthropology human variation. Not only is it way cool to be taking upper devision level class, but they are fun ^_^! It's still a bit stressful because I want to do really well on my major subjects, but so far it's been a nice keep-you-on-your-toes sort of stress. I'm just finding my groove for the term, but I'm really  feeling happy and strong. I hope this feeling lasts! I'm so lucky and happy to have family and friends who have supported me this far. It's so exciting to be starting something new, and to be on the way to finishing with something I've been working towards, since I was a little girl.

Hayley x  ^_^

 Yesterday was my friend's wedding, but not only my friend, one of my dearest friends I've ever had. It was Jason't wedding. It was a really nice day. The wedding itself was a small and simple affair, but it was a very happy one. The ceremony was held at the local park Mc Cormick Park. I was a overcast day, but it was warm, and the rain kindly held off until the reception was winding down. I was really honored and happy to stand by Jason's side as he watched Kim come down the aisle and as he said his vows. My heart was still pounding really hard with nerves, I was able to do all the important duties I needed to do. I didn't fumble as I opened the box for Jason so he could be get Kim's ring. Also I felt really nervous when it came time to give my Best Man speech, I felt like I was a little stop and start-y, but mum said it was really good and I was able to make people laugh a few times. That felt good, because the Best Man's speech is supposed to be a little funny. I enjoyed writing it although it was stressful as I didn't leave much time. I wrote it on Friday and the wedding on Saturday. As a funny cute little side note I got wear a Col-sarge rather than carry a bouquet, yay XD. Now Jason and Kim are on their honeymoon at Crater Lake, I love Crater Lake so much. I hope they have a lovely time while they are there and a safe journey there and back. Unfortunately I can't get the speech to paste to the entry or the link to it ;( , but I will post the link to my plurk.

Love to Everyone!

Hayley ^_^

 
It's well time that I update my lovely Live Journal. Mum, Georgie and I visited Granny, Grandpa, Ali, Rob, Antony, Kev, Connie, Quincy, and met Kev's lady friend Laura. It was really nice to see everyone, I've missed them very much since it had been two years. Ali has a really sweet little house now it has a bedroom, a spare room, a little kitchen and living room, and room that (since the house dates back to the 1820's was probably the parlor). If I was living in England and could afford to rent a house I would love to rent one just like it. Also she has a big wide bathtub in the shape of a scallop shell, and a--ready? A koi pond *happy sigh* ! It was so nice to watch the koi's flitting about. 

I had a lovely time catching up with Gemma, Laura, and Rachel. We had a great BBQ played a dancing game on the Wii and got a bit tipsy. On the last weekend we were visiting I went to London with them to see Laura's brother Robert's portfolio showing. Just like I did for Sheri before I left. It was pretty good, and I was able to pick up some free catalogues for Sheri, which she really really liked I was really happy.

We didn't go to many historical places, but we did go briefly to London's Natural History Museum, the Maritime Museum, and Norwich Castle. Norwich Castle is similar to Colchester Castle in the way it has a great museum inside. It has a Celtic/Roman section, a Saxon/Viking section, and a Medieval Section, it's a really nice set-up. I really really recommend it!

We did do lots of shopping. Mum and Georgie like to shop, Georgie's little and tall enough she's like a dolly. I kind of take up the "man" position when Mum and Georgie go shopping. I pick up other sizes I wait in the changing room and give opinions. It's okay but I am such a different size to both of them that it's hard to shop along. Oh well that's alright.

When we visited Greenwich we had a good time. The Greenwich Festival was going on at the time and we got to see crazy hair ladies making detailed hair sculptures with volunteers, I have a picture, but still have to get all the pictures off my camera. When I do I'll be sure post a link to them here.