Time, I don't have it

[medievallass]

 Just a quick post in between studying. This has been a busy full term, but I feel accomplished. All finished with African History as of yesterday, I think the final went well, I felt confident with my answers at the time, but it's hard to tell for certain. I'm more nervous about the Anthropology of Food class. The subject matter is so expensive even when it's broken down into sections. Also we mainly just discussed our readings, without a discussion of the larger components around what we read. I just don't think it left me with any security in what I picked up. I guess I should have put this in the class feedback, but you only have five minutes to wrap up three months of an experience in those damn things. I also have world history to study for, I think I'm going to switch as soon as I can... Just so much I looked at the readings for all the finals, and I was like, damn what have I been doing? Then I remember that for the past three weeks I've had a paper each week and each one takes me a week *facepalm*. Sometimes I really worry that my love of a subject, and my actual ability to do said subject will make me incapable of doing it.

Spring Break is coming up, I really don't know how I feel about the week holiday at all. I think it's supposed to enable to students to see parents and friends they haven't seen since Winter Break, but it doesn't work. It's too short to really make that possible. I only have two no-home-work-weekends then its back to uni. I don't know how I can spend time with my boyfriend, parents, and friends in that time.

I wish I could not feel like a major jerk in regards to Jason. Even mum gives me a hard time that I don't see him enough. I don't really know how to see him anymore. We were never lovers, or anything like that, but we hung out all the time chatting, going to movies, talking about our stories. Now that he's married I don't feel like I can just go out and hang out with him. I don't mean it in anyway other than a friend way, but now he and Kim to everything together, and I don't think he'd want to go out without her. I suppose that's the way it's supposed to be, but I don't know. I understand that there are boundaries to being married, but I have no interest in Jason romantically, just as his friend I really enjoy his company. Molly says the best thing to do would be to talk to him about it. I don't know how I'd do that, because I only see him with Kim, and I'd rather talk to him privately and talk to Kim another time. I guess I could talk to them at the same time. I don't know, I just wish it wasn't awkward between us. It feels like there's something hanging around us. I think I broke his heart, me! Jesus I'm nobody! but I didn't want to. I wish I could have given him want he wanted, but I couldn't and I knew I shouldn't try. I knew it would hurt both of us. I've never grieved anything in this way and this long, it's my biggest regret and yet I had to do it. I wish he knew  how much I cared about him and how much I enjoyed him in my life. Because now I'm just worried he sees me as the person who said no and didn't really care about him. That might not be the case at all, but there something and I hope it's not resentment. It was a good time in my life, but sometimes I'm afraid I did more harm than good in being his friend. ); 

Comments

[tabula-x-rasa.livejournal.com]

I'm glad your classes have mostly been going well! Sometimes school just demands all your attention, and really, you just have to let it. :)

As far as your friend... for at least the first couple years, yeah, they're going to be together all the time and that's just the way it's going to be. Can you email him and explain the situation? It's not as nice as speaking face to face but it is private. Keep in mind Kim possibly feels quite insecure about you. If she sees you and Jason are strictly just friends, she'll feel more comfortable about letting you guys hang out alone. Probably. Or if you and Jason have a group of friends, you can all hang out together as a specific group of friends while Kim is hanging out with her friends some time or something. It's a tricky situation and it's really just going to depend on the people involved. :/ Good luck my dear.

[medievallass.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the input my friend, I really appreciate it. Kim has known Jason and I are friends only from long before they started dating to the present, but I really don't want to make her insecure, so I will make sure to reassure her that we are friends only and I have no romantic intensions. It's a little scary even bringing it up, but hopefully she won't be worried, and if it's too much than I'll just let it go. *hugs for Tabula!*

Hayley ^_^